26/9/19

Going back a second

Reviewing my previous post I figured I'd continue the trend and keep going except talk about the people who were into me (shocking such a thing was possible I know).

The first that I can think of was this girl that entered the school I believe in grade 6, white blonde and a basic name of Courtney she was batshit insane and apparently this school was the 5th school she's been to and it's unsurprising as to why. I vaguely remember her approaching me on a walkway saying that she was interested in me but that she was happy to take it slow and not rush into anything. Mind you I was in grade 6. The thought of a relationship had never crossed my mind until high school at the earliest, heck I don't even think I saw women as love interests (excluding childhood crushes) back then either so my response was "ahhh.....". Not a hundred percent sure what happened afterwards but all I know is that she disappeared as quickly as she came in.

These two happened roughly the same time and I only learnt about it years later. The first one was also a newcomer to the school though we never really spoke much but according to her we were best buds. My memory isn't as great as it used to be so maybe she was right who knows but again, grade 6, no interest in that kinda thing so that fell apart.

The second one makes me giggle a bit because I had small thing for her towards the end of grade 7 and start of grade 8. She had a thing for me in grade 9. Funny how that works however she's now with someone and engaged! Boy was that a fun engagement party too, but yeah happy things turned out the way it did.

Venturing into high school territory the only ones that spring to mind number in the single digits.
The first was this lovely short Asian girl I was friends with, it was very chaotic how our feelings worked. First she liked me then didn't then when she did like me my attention was elsewhere then when I had feelings she didn't reciprocate. Went on like this until about two years ago when I hammered the nail in the already nailed coffin that I wouldn't even try it. Plus she has some mental thing going on and I don't really know how to tread those waters.

The second one was a friends with benefits that developed feelings. I wasn't interested in high school relationships because I always saw that as a ball and chain slowing me down from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nomad around the school and a relationship would have planted me in one spot. At least that was my thought process, that and despite my outward demeanor being that I didn't care for other peoples opinions, when it came to a relationship I cared too much of other peoples thoughts on me and didn't want my reputation tarnished with the baggage the girl would bring. Looking back I realise how stupid that view of thinking was considering how little peoples opinions on my choice of partner would have affected me post school wise. Though it was a bullet dodged as she is very vanilla and expensive to maintain.

Third was a friends ex. The last two words alone explain why I didn't pursue that though I shamefully couldn't help myself to a bit of the cake...

Last one that I can think of was a friend of a friend. No idea what she found so interesting about me like yeah sure we game and play cards but other than that we were two peas in completely different pods. I think she was older than me too so she was really gunning for something strong when all I wanted to do was have fun. Felt kinda bad but she got over it quick so all shrugs from me here. 

After that I don't think I can recall a time where I had 100% confirmation on whether someone had an interest in me or not. I've had vague inklings of a sign but nothing wholesomely concrete. These days I know with absolute certainty that no one has feelings for me and I quite like that. I have a lot of life things I need to secure first. Fudge makes the good point that a successful relationship should be one where both parties have their lives sorted and life I will hopefully sort some day.