12/9/19

Been reflecting on a few things

This is one of them talk about girls posts I liked to avoid yeah...
So I've been thinking back at all my past crushes, interests and interested and what would have happened if I attempted to pursue further or if I had succeeded where I failed. Safe to say I dodged a lot of bullets so let's get into it! Going to code name a lot so bear with me.

Starting from the very beginning with Liquid. My first crush ever. Boy was that a shitshow, we were childhood friends and in grade 1 was when things started taking a turn. What started as lets say a childrens crush turned into chaos as I would be so nervous to be around her that I would avoid her all together and that compounded for 9 years afterwards until about the later years of high school where things mellowed out a bit though the damage had been done. Though had things been successful I would be broke as all hell with constant overseas trips so I suppose bullet dodged, also I don't fancy her friends one bit.

The second from memory (true to the bone crush that is, not fleeting thoughts) would have to be Candy. Short lived for sure but my first in high school, of course she was rated one of the best looking in grade 8 though surprisingly she stayed single throughout her high school experience. Bullet dodged? Yes, she's become about 10 times hotter and far outside the bounds of my league, her personality is fine as with her economic sense but just no flair.

Third was developed about a year later in grade 9, she had just gotten out of a relationship that had lasted through all of grade 8. Not entirely sure what the hell happened but she approached me for friendship however looking back it was obvious her sights were always on others (Unless I blew my window of opportunity? No clue). Her assets were the redeeming feature that kept me under her spell until about the end of grade 10/start of grade 11. Though it seemed she spawned a great many train wrecks in her wake so in a way I'm glad I dodged that bullet. These days she married early and had a kid, plus the ethnic background is wildly chaotic to keep track of. If the last two crushes were a .223 bullet, this one was a .448 for sure. Plus her looks have deteriorated though my friend says it's always been like that and I'm inclined to agree.

Fourth was post first cruise, a girl from far up north whom which I saw on occasion. Already distance was a big factor and she is a bit crazy. We did mesh well though and maybe that's how the crush developed? Either way she wasn't interested and made that subtly clear? She never really was obvious about anything. We rarely talk but that's just mainly distancing as we're still on good terms. I would gladly see her again if the opportunity presented itself. Now she's in the furthermost state from me with some other guy and I wish them well.

Fifth would be post high school, another short one that was bred from just looks alone and what at first appeared to be a compatible personality which I then realised a while later to be feigned interest to put me in a comfort zone. We still talk at least and she's a great friend, she ended up with one of my mates anyway and I'm happy it turned out that way. So how did I dodge a bullet? Personality mismatch, too many differing ideals and interests which is what makes us great friends as weird as that sounds. I rate her a 10 gauge slug dodged.

Sixth was probably the stupidest I've ever been ever. Opportunity after opportunity presented itself and all I did was squander it all and sometimes I kick myself for it but other times I realise we would have been terrible together as a couple. She would have to be the equivalent of a .303 as she loves drinking and clubbing and pretty much getting out there in terms of activity where as I'm more calm and methodical. She's definitely better with who she's with now.

These days I know to never crush again, sure I find people attractive but nothing to warrant any special attention. I know that I need to focus on myself before involving myself with someone, that and of all the people I know I don't see nor would I want to be involved with any of them in that capacity. I look at people who get into relationships for the sole purpose of being in one and seeing how controlled they are and it sickens me that we live in a society where romance is viewed as the sole point of our existence making people rush into the gates only to find ruin and despair. One of my old primary school friends goes on about how his wife thinks he sees other women when he goes out, wont let him out on weekends with his mates or wont let him engage in hobbies under dumb reasons. I don't know how the hell he puts up with it and to make things worse he has a kid with her so I don't know if he's enjoying being treated that way or if he's putting up with it for the sake of his kid but boy do I don't envy him. Another high school friend is desperate for a relationship for the sake of being in one and boy. boy boy boy is that a big no no from me. Just an absolute cancer things have become though I can shine light on the fact that for some they have found their true soulmate and it warms the heart to know that such things are possible, it just takes patience. Though for some maybe too much of it considering the alarming amount of late 20's to early 30 year olds I know that are still single and even more so the amount of single people in their 50's or the amount of divorces that occur. Is love dying?

Our timeline is a short one and I can see why people feel pressured. Considering the average human can conceive children by the age of 14 and the risk of child complication rising at the 35 mark before full menstrual breakdown in the 50's does make me think about that stereotype that women mature quicker as they have a more limited window of opportunity to bring children to the world with the least chance of complication. So what I take out of all this is that life is being caught between the "You'll find the right person" Rock and the "You have a limited time span" Hard place. I'm turning 24 soon, 6 years from 30. The statistics around lasting happy relationships are alarming. Am I feeling the pressure?





Nah