1/11/18

A crossroads I venture at.

Before going into the nitty gritty I might as well skim over the events for record keeping sake. I only did 1 subject and managed to achieve 68% and 64% in the first 25% weighting assessment which is a lot better than the 45% and 50% when I did it last time. The funny thing is that in both instances I got 40% for the 50% weighting final assessment but thanks to the higher earlier marks I managed to pass. Thank fuck University is over. People say you will miss something when it's gone, I do not with absolute certainty miss University. I miss High School. I miss Tafe. I do not miss University. I do appreciate the people I have met on the way though and the mutual friends that has branched into and I hope to remain close.

Other lively events really are the stock standard friend meet ups and work which has become a regular thing thanks to part time hours. Though wreaking havoc on my sleep pattern. Moneys good though, managed to get a new PC and desk. Working on a Nintendo Switch and TV before going to a VR headset then probably a car to be honest. Having my own car would be beneficial and easier to learn it I'd hope.

So the crux of the post now. The girl I've had conflicting feelings for? I think I've had them resolved now. It's done. The only feelings I have left of her is that she is a good friend and fun to talk to. Plus obviously the male fantasy of wanting to fuck all your female friends but that's just normal. Do I feel good? No it feels terrible but I know in my conscious rational thinking that this is the best way forward into moving onto better things. They always say there are more fish in the sea and I would hope so but it will be nothing short of a miracle to find a girl who has similar interests and what I would look for appearance wise I guess but that's just the nature of the beast we call life. Sometimes I wish I could just rid my head of sexual desire as it's just the catylist of what makes people depressed. Could I just opt out? "But these feelings make you a better person, without experiencing this pain you won't reach the level of happiness that we have achieved" is would would be the counter argument. "You haven't experienced it, you don't know what it's like, you haven't joined the mile high club".

Looking from the outside in, the mile high club doesn't look all that fucking appealing. Hey go through immense pain and struggle to achieve something that could later turn into more pain and suffering, you never know! Fuck feelings, Fuck intimate companionship, Fuck everything to do with the human cultural norms pertaining to coupling and just let us live our fucking damn lives in peace holy fuck. This is a big reason why suicide is common place. (No I'm not suicidal, I care too much on others opinions and well being to rip a hole out of themselves because of selfishness). Probably just rambling at this point in a pit of rage but that's what this is for. A good vent. Hopefully I can return to positive stature later on.