29/11/20

Infrequent update number ???

Life has been all well and good as it can be for the past 6 months, the pandemic is slowing down in my neck of the woods so events are beginning to unfold again. Regular routine of working in the first part of the week, hanging out with a mate on Thursday then games on Friday before a weekend of whatever happens. Been camping which was nice as well as a few trips to the country. 

Had a Halloween themed party at Fudge's place and it was really really fun, almost could taste the 18 year old spirit which was a good breath of fresh air. Tonight I went to some indie concert thing which was alright though it was a good hang out. 

Personally things are ok, the pressure of getting a full time job is weighing on me more and more which isn't a pleasant feeling. Romantically obviously it's at a stand still as usual though I'm feeling my criteria is getting more complex at time goes on which I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.

21/5/20

A stock standard update

Another long absence mainly because nothing (personally) interesting to note. Not saying friendly gatherings and birthdays aren't interesting just not really rushing-to-my-blog-to-write noteworthy. It's been an interesting ride so far as 2020 is shaping to be a very... write off kind of year. First the fires then the floods then the virus which probably as weird as it sounds affected the most people whether that be first or second hand. Isolation here isn't as bad as other places in the world as we're still some what free to move about and visit people and the restrictions are easing up. I first thought that this wouldn't affect me much as I usually stay home all the time anyway but it turns out I took things for granted as I forgot to think about how the Shooting Range, Gel ball fields and Cinemas require leaving the house and being in proximity with other people. Especially Gel balling, I really really want to go back and play and it sucks that I have to wait another 2 months until things go back to as normal as they can be. A long wait is upon me.

Personally wise nothing of note, no new drama and such so things are steady.

5/2/20

Time Mr Freeman?

I'm stuck between the acceptance rock and the uncomfortable hard place. On one side I need to accept the reality that people are always inherently busy which is normal and makes a lot of sense seeing as of the 7 days of the week, about 5 are taken up by employment leaving little time left to hobbies and in some circumstances relationships. At the same time it's annoying and incredibly frustrating having to schedule things so far in advance but that's it, it's just... normal. This is the way things are. One example is a High School friend group who would once meet up about once a month. We literally listed weekend after weekend until we found one TEN WEEKS AWAY. But that's normal. One friend made the point of his schedule, employment, physical exercise, leisure time, meal time all interlaced with having a girlfriend and if in the rare occasion time permits, friendship gatherings which has become rare. Before I was cool with it as I too juggled between people though always putting him on priority but it's hit that point where once he had a night allocated to friends no longer exists as the relationship has taken more time combined with a newly found hobby interest. Again... it's normal and I should be fine with that and literally as I type this sentence my teeth are gritted as I am attempting to accept that this is the way things are and that it's... normal. Re-reading that I need to stress I'm not self adsorbed or a sociopath (I think?) believing that I should take priority in someone else's life which is far from the truth. People are free to their choices, the point I'm trying to stress is that I'm angry but not at anyone or anything, I'm just mad about how society has progressed and what it deems to be normal. Maybe a small sliver of me is worried about being tossed aside, wouldn't be the first time but to be fair I've done the same. I don't feel I've explained the point fully or well, I guess what I'm trying to say is... hmm... I can't think of an appropriate metaphor. I really don't know how to explain it, part of me wants to say "Hey, don't treat your friends as less than family and spouse" but it just sounds wrong whilst the other says "Put family and spouse first" but it just sounds off and degrading to friends.

I think I'll try to tackle this another time.

17/1/20

Finally are we blessed with the water of above

Have a wedding to attend tomorrow, no clue how it's all gonna go down but guess I'll find out.
Also have a lot of new tech aspirations, going to get my own server up soon. Never would have thought that I'd ever do that which is weird to think about as for most of my life I always saw a server to be these large racks of lights and boxes when in actuality it can be a simple desktop computer. Who would have thought.

Am I still neglecting my adult responsibilities of obtaining a drivers license and full time job? Yep.

8/1/20

Typing in /20 is really weird as I expect to write 2 more numbers which is apparently encouraged for security reasons.

Back at it again, here we are after 3 months of not much as that's what life is now. A good comparison is when we've been trying to get a date going for lunch with this group of people from High School and having to schedule it for the 29th of February because everyone's schedules are all whack.

Some notable events include a New Years party that was about 1000x better than the last one but not as good as the 2013 into 2014 one which I don't think will ever be beaten unless I befriend a rich straight pervert. Usual thing, games, drinking and talking smack about anything and everything which is what I would deem as a great night.

I have just returned from a 4 night holiday at a beach house though funnily enough we didn't go into the beach that was right next to us the entire time (we did visit it and stood in the sand but that's about it). Mainly because of the high abundance of Jellyfish and in Australia you get the really really venomous blue bottle which is impeccably small and really deadly plus these huge pink ones too so pretty much that was a big no from us though it was a scary thought to see old people in the waters when we perused the beach. Mainly we stuck to the swimming pool where we would spend hours on hours just spoofing around and that definitely was a big highlight as a lot of fun was had.

Now that it's over and I have to return to the daunting and boring life I call work I suppose things will be a little boring and I will take another hiatus from blogging as it's definitely inevitable.

Guess while I'm here I can talk about some future plans I would like to get going. Some more photoshop projects would be great, keeps me focused and distracted. Getting a job I suppose is something I really should put more effort into. Nothing much else springs to mind really.

On a personal level, I've managed to stave off the feeling of loneliness through plentiful meditative mind clearing and distractions such as social events and gaming though it's starting to wane and I'm not a fan. My mates girlfriend has a way of tearing down what I've spent a while bringing up. I don't know to what end does she want to achieve but my gawd can she stop being all the more closer to perfection that would be great kthx. Trying to live my best single life here and she comes in and makes me want to throw up a dating app and date someone who will most likely take all my stuff in the divorce. Definitely taking a break from her I think until I can clear my head more and put up more mental barriers cause fuck me dead seeing her in a pool does a number on the headspace. Though here I am blaming others for something that is really my fault, I probably need a massage. Yeah I think I might just do that.

26/9/19

Going back a second

Reviewing my previous post I figured I'd continue the trend and keep going except talk about the people who were into me (shocking such a thing was possible I know).

The first that I can think of was this girl that entered the school I believe in grade 6, white blonde and a basic name of Courtney she was batshit insane and apparently this school was the 5th school she's been to and it's unsurprising as to why. I vaguely remember her approaching me on a walkway saying that she was interested in me but that she was happy to take it slow and not rush into anything. Mind you I was in grade 6. The thought of a relationship had never crossed my mind until high school at the earliest, heck I don't even think I saw women as love interests (excluding childhood crushes) back then either so my response was "ahhh.....". Not a hundred percent sure what happened afterwards but all I know is that she disappeared as quickly as she came in.

These two happened roughly the same time and I only learnt about it years later. The first one was also a newcomer to the school though we never really spoke much but according to her we were best buds. My memory isn't as great as it used to be so maybe she was right who knows but again, grade 6, no interest in that kinda thing so that fell apart.

The second one makes me giggle a bit because I had small thing for her towards the end of grade 7 and start of grade 8. She had a thing for me in grade 9. Funny how that works however she's now with someone and engaged! Boy was that a fun engagement party too, but yeah happy things turned out the way it did.

Venturing into high school territory the only ones that spring to mind number in the single digits.
The first was this lovely short Asian girl I was friends with, it was very chaotic how our feelings worked. First she liked me then didn't then when she did like me my attention was elsewhere then when I had feelings she didn't reciprocate. Went on like this until about two years ago when I hammered the nail in the already nailed coffin that I wouldn't even try it. Plus she has some mental thing going on and I don't really know how to tread those waters.

The second one was a friends with benefits that developed feelings. I wasn't interested in high school relationships because I always saw that as a ball and chain slowing me down from doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nomad around the school and a relationship would have planted me in one spot. At least that was my thought process, that and despite my outward demeanor being that I didn't care for other peoples opinions, when it came to a relationship I cared too much of other peoples thoughts on me and didn't want my reputation tarnished with the baggage the girl would bring. Looking back I realise how stupid that view of thinking was considering how little peoples opinions on my choice of partner would have affected me post school wise. Though it was a bullet dodged as she is very vanilla and expensive to maintain.

Third was a friends ex. The last two words alone explain why I didn't pursue that though I shamefully couldn't help myself to a bit of the cake...

Last one that I can think of was a friend of a friend. No idea what she found so interesting about me like yeah sure we game and play cards but other than that we were two peas in completely different pods. I think she was older than me too so she was really gunning for something strong when all I wanted to do was have fun. Felt kinda bad but she got over it quick so all shrugs from me here. 

After that I don't think I can recall a time where I had 100% confirmation on whether someone had an interest in me or not. I've had vague inklings of a sign but nothing wholesomely concrete. These days I know with absolute certainty that no one has feelings for me and I quite like that. I have a lot of life things I need to secure first. Fudge makes the good point that a successful relationship should be one where both parties have their lives sorted and life I will hopefully sort some day.

12/9/19

Been reflecting on a few things

This is one of them talk about girls posts I liked to avoid yeah...
So I've been thinking back at all my past crushes, interests and interested and what would have happened if I attempted to pursue further or if I had succeeded where I failed. Safe to say I dodged a lot of bullets so let's get into it! Going to code name a lot so bear with me.

Starting from the very beginning with Liquid. My first crush ever. Boy was that a shitshow, we were childhood friends and in grade 1 was when things started taking a turn. What started as lets say a childrens crush turned into chaos as I would be so nervous to be around her that I would avoid her all together and that compounded for 9 years afterwards until about the later years of high school where things mellowed out a bit though the damage had been done. Though had things been successful I would be broke as all hell with constant overseas trips so I suppose bullet dodged, also I don't fancy her friends one bit.

The second from memory (true to the bone crush that is, not fleeting thoughts) would have to be Candy. Short lived for sure but my first in high school, of course she was rated one of the best looking in grade 8 though surprisingly she stayed single throughout her high school experience. Bullet dodged? Yes, she's become about 10 times hotter and far outside the bounds of my league, her personality is fine as with her economic sense but just no flair.

Third was developed about a year later in grade 9, she had just gotten out of a relationship that had lasted through all of grade 8. Not entirely sure what the hell happened but she approached me for friendship however looking back it was obvious her sights were always on others (Unless I blew my window of opportunity? No clue). Her assets were the redeeming feature that kept me under her spell until about the end of grade 10/start of grade 11. Though it seemed she spawned a great many train wrecks in her wake so in a way I'm glad I dodged that bullet. These days she married early and had a kid, plus the ethnic background is wildly chaotic to keep track of. If the last two crushes were a .223 bullet, this one was a .448 for sure. Plus her looks have deteriorated though my friend says it's always been like that and I'm inclined to agree.

Fourth was post first cruise, a girl from far up north whom which I saw on occasion. Already distance was a big factor and she is a bit crazy. We did mesh well though and maybe that's how the crush developed? Either way she wasn't interested and made that subtly clear? She never really was obvious about anything. We rarely talk but that's just mainly distancing as we're still on good terms. I would gladly see her again if the opportunity presented itself. Now she's in the furthermost state from me with some other guy and I wish them well.

Fifth would be post high school, another short one that was bred from just looks alone and what at first appeared to be a compatible personality which I then realised a while later to be feigned interest to put me in a comfort zone. We still talk at least and she's a great friend, she ended up with one of my mates anyway and I'm happy it turned out that way. So how did I dodge a bullet? Personality mismatch, too many differing ideals and interests which is what makes us great friends as weird as that sounds. I rate her a 10 gauge slug dodged.

Sixth was probably the stupidest I've ever been ever. Opportunity after opportunity presented itself and all I did was squander it all and sometimes I kick myself for it but other times I realise we would have been terrible together as a couple. She would have to be the equivalent of a .303 as she loves drinking and clubbing and pretty much getting out there in terms of activity where as I'm more calm and methodical. She's definitely better with who she's with now.

These days I know to never crush again, sure I find people attractive but nothing to warrant any special attention. I know that I need to focus on myself before involving myself with someone, that and of all the people I know I don't see nor would I want to be involved with any of them in that capacity. I look at people who get into relationships for the sole purpose of being in one and seeing how controlled they are and it sickens me that we live in a society where romance is viewed as the sole point of our existence making people rush into the gates only to find ruin and despair. One of my old primary school friends goes on about how his wife thinks he sees other women when he goes out, wont let him out on weekends with his mates or wont let him engage in hobbies under dumb reasons. I don't know how the hell he puts up with it and to make things worse he has a kid with her so I don't know if he's enjoying being treated that way or if he's putting up with it for the sake of his kid but boy do I don't envy him. Another high school friend is desperate for a relationship for the sake of being in one and boy. boy boy boy is that a big no no from me. Just an absolute cancer things have become though I can shine light on the fact that for some they have found their true soulmate and it warms the heart to know that such things are possible, it just takes patience. Though for some maybe too much of it considering the alarming amount of late 20's to early 30 year olds I know that are still single and even more so the amount of single people in their 50's or the amount of divorces that occur. Is love dying?

Our timeline is a short one and I can see why people feel pressured. Considering the average human can conceive children by the age of 14 and the risk of child complication rising at the 35 mark before full menstrual breakdown in the 50's does make me think about that stereotype that women mature quicker as they have a more limited window of opportunity to bring children to the world with the least chance of complication. So what I take out of all this is that life is being caught between the "You'll find the right person" Rock and the "You have a limited time span" Hard place. I'm turning 24 soon, 6 years from 30. The statistics around lasting happy relationships are alarming. Am I feeling the pressure?





Nah